Nothingness and emptiness

I’m falling into a comfortable hole of nothingness and emptiness.  I’ve been increasingly folding myself into a cocoon, craving more sleep, and choosing to do less and less.   I’ve been pushing all choices away from me as contemplating choice gives me heaves of anxiety, and I don’t trust myself to make them wisely, either.  I’m grateful for the luxury to take this break, to ignore time for the moment.  Also to recede and let myself do only what I feel capable of.  I’ve been spending lots of time with the kids, on kid routine.

I’m avoiding making appointments, exploring anything, or beginning anything that requires thought or emotional investment.  I feel weaker than ever.  I certainly am physically, but also immune-wise and emotionally/spiritually/psychically.  So days pass with only the smallest goals set and accomplished.

Even treating yourself well takes some initiative, and I just feel too empty to even seek out that.  While I can picture and anticipate feeling ambition and excitement again, right now I feel only depletion and the desire to crawl into a cave, metaphorically speaking.  This healing is taking longer than I expected.  But it’s not a surprise.  I just didn’t know how weak I was, and with the space to let it appear without forcing through it, it just looks deeper than I thought.  I’m reading again;  that’s a comfort.  Of all the nourishing things I “should” do, I can read.

One thought on “Nothingness and emptiness”

  1. It is such a relief to hear you speak about the emptiness and cocooning process as a healthy thing – as I’m sure you’re well aware, not so many folks share this view. Though it’s been a while since I’ve been in that space, I know it’ll come again and so I’m passing on my thanks for your words about it.

    Also, your blog is fantastic and inspiring. From the permaculture end of things (I did my permaculture design course in ’07 in Nicaragua) to the Boler (I’m oh-so curious about how long into the winter you’re taking it and I also am quite intimidated by my Boler’s propane furnace). Nova Scotia: I have some very dear friends living on the South Shore in Bear River and Church Point respectively. It is beautiful there (I’ve yet to visit them) and they all grow food quite successfully and are generally living the kind of life it seems you’re pursuing. Let me know if you’re looking for leads on land or rambling old houses or potential future friends out there- I could put you in touch with them.

    Well, I’ve got to launch back into my day which is apparently busy.



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