I’m falling into a comfortable hole of nothingness and emptiness. I’ve been increasingly folding myself into a cocoon, craving more sleep, and choosing to do less and less. I’ve been pushing all choices away from me as contemplating choice gives me heaves of anxiety, and I don’t trust myself to make them wisely, either. I’m grateful for the luxury to take this break, to ignore time for the moment. Also to recede and let myself do only what I feel capable of. I’ve been spending lots of time with the kids, on kid routine.
I’m avoiding making appointments, exploring anything, or beginning anything that requires thought or emotional investment. I feel weaker than ever. I certainly am physically, but also immune-wise and emotionally/spiritually/psychically. So days pass with only the smallest goals set and accomplished.
Even treating yourself well takes some initiative, and I just feel too empty to even seek out that. While I can picture and anticipate feeling ambition and excitement again, right now I feel only depletion and the desire to crawl into a cave, metaphorically speaking. This healing is taking longer than I expected. But it’s not a surprise. I just didn’t know how weak I was, and with the space to let it appear without forcing through it, it just looks deeper than I thought. I’m reading again; that’s a comfort. Of all the nourishing things I “should” do, I can read.