Another year

My birthday is next week, and I think birthdays are more suited to the reflection, self-assessment, and resolutions normally saddled on the “New Year”. As I’ve said before, I’m pretty damn happy with myself and my life exactly where I am today. Maybe I wish I was a little bit younger with tougher joints and more money?….well really, no. I am where I am, and that’s an amazingly awesome, successful place. Since it’s not about the arrival, anyways, but enjoying the work towards something you care about. So what is there to work towards that I care about? What fronts of life?

Relationship? Dante Shepherd’s opinion notwithstanding, most of my experience with relationship can be succinctly summed up with the two words, “epic fail”. On the other hand, I love being alone; I revel in it. I care less than I ever have about having a man at my side. I think that means I’m stronger emotionally or something; that I stand alone more peacefully every day. I’ve certainly never been happier.

Money? Well, money flows through my life like a wide, fast river, but it doesn’t pool anywhere. I just don’t think I’m suited for RRSPs or savings accounts. I always seem to have enough, and I can always earn more when it runs out, but there’s never any in the bank. I fantasize about the feeling of “security” of savings, of plans, of always earning the money before I spend it, but in my imagination, that feeling is just not appealing enough to put off the things I want to do. When they become available to do, I seize the day, every time, and the dollar be damned. I know when I want to change this philosophy badly enough, I will put my shoulder to it like everything else and change it. But for now, I just don’t want to badly enough. So that can be filed (with relationship) under “would be nice; no investment of energy planned”.

Health? At the end of my tax stint now, I’m totally out of shape and weak as a kitten. Can’t wait to be strong again. That’s something I don’t have to force on myself, though. I love moving, and dancing; I love hard work. I love being strong; it feels like life. I love working until exhaustion, until my hands ache- it’s wonderful to feel all the muscles in my fingers (such a rare sensation) and my back. That kind of muscle sore is… euphoric. So, I’m pretty confident that I’ll get that back, but I definitely need to make some effort to make sure I have lots of good food and remember to prepare it. I consider food a means to an end and usually an irritating necessity, not a pleasure in itself, so I have a hard time paying attention to food. I rely heavily on Vega. At least I know I’m getting what I need when I have a Vega smoothie a day (sometimes, that’s all I have in a day).

Work? Now there’s a poser. I can’t even imagine my “ideal job”, and neither can anyone else, so I’ve got no vision to gun for. The best advice I’ve heard so far is “do what you love, the money will follow” (still waiting, fyi). More and more, I’m doing as much as I can what I love. We’ll see what happens. File this under “trust the universe, keep turning towards joy”.

Goodness. What I want most is to be a better, nicer person. I’ve finally learned that the foremost requirement for that is keeping myself happy, which is a complicated, demanding venture. After that, I aspire to being loving in a way that’s possible, sustainable, enjoyable. On a practical plane, it means keeping in touch with people, not losing track of time, and just generally being aware of what’s important to other people. This doesn’t just happen; it takes some effort. My biggest plan is to retrain myself on birthdays. I have a terrible mental block and total lack of emotional connection to birthdays, so I have to make an effort to remember them and remember that they are usually important to the person who’s having one. I’m just devoid of this circuitry (some years I forget my own), so I’ve been “trying”, sometimes more successfully than other times, to rewire myself. I must make myself a birthday calendar.

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