Not fine, exactly. I fell off a cliff of sorts. (Now I want to draw a picture of a cliff of sorts. Lots of sorts.).
Yes, I broke my daily blogging streak shortly after one straight year. I just couldn’t truly convince myself that I had anything worth saying for a whole 24 hrs. Turns out when I do that, people pipe up “Hey, is something wrong? You skipped a day!” (Thanks:) That’s sweet)
I haven’t been doing much but flopping around. It’s like all the doing and productivity caught up with me and caved in. I’m missing the reason for doing any of it. I had the vague thought Wouldn’t it be nice to take a week and not do a damn thing other than what I feel like in any given moment? Immediately followed by calculating how much work would be necessary to prepare for such a week.
Then such a week just started to happen without my intention or preparation, and I thought well while I’m flopping around miserably, I think I’ll give up sugar, because sugar is what has fueled me through doing all the things I don’t feel like for far too long, so, if I’m not doing anything useful, then, good timing. And I’m already in a hole, so the withdrawal symptoms will be absorbed.
Today was day three, and my appetite for real food just returned. The last two days real food was the tasteless stuff I ate when I was dying for chocolate chips.
It hasn’t been as crazy as I kind of expected. The headaches were mild, the moodiness not out of the ordinary. The brain fog (confusion, unreliable memory, no decision making ability) was already problematic; I’ve known for a long time I need to re-source my fuel, but when my brain starts breaking down, there’s a problem. I can’t get enough BioK; I had to look up how much of it was too much (too much BioK isn’t a thing).
The distinguishing marker of the first three sugar-free days was my total inability to cope with stress. News, an action email, new information , a phone call- really minor stuff- but I couldn’t cope, and just went and hid from it (literally)-because I could, having already surrendered ANY attachment to doing for awhile. I’m not looking at any lists because I’m already panicking at what must be on there that I’m not looking at and I wouldn’t have the energy to do the things anyway. When I do, I’ll list again, and hopefully it will all work out in the long run, based on real energy.
That’s where I am. 2018 was a terrible year. Objectively better than the three previous years, but according to my body and brain, the worst. Lyme disease, anxiety and depression, failing energy and immunity due to pushing too long, and I’m into my second year of undiagnosed digestive problems. I’m sick of being sick. Hopefully being back exclusively on real food will help.