I’m trying to restrain myself from doing a Miltonesque Happiness Lost, Happiness Regained stunt, but I knew this was coming- the failure of the dam of habit, structure, and support; the inundation of stress. I know that Happiness Recovered is coming too, thankfully, on the other side of Lost.
Due to reduced hours, awareness, and deliberate care, I’m hitting the wall in the last week of April instead of the first, but still, the wall is here.
It feels like I got a hoof in the chest, or I’m under water, with my rib cage squeezed so I can’t draw a full breath, which gets tedious day after day. At work I fight vomiting half the day, and my inability to do simple math or focus on words on a page spawns horror at the mistakes I might be making and puts my last energy into concentration. My woodpile scratches are not healing, and sometimes my throat gets sore and feels like it’s shutting, in a matter of seconds. Kinda weird, how something that’s all emotional can play out so physical.
I swear, my stress-coping machinery has been savaged, god knows how or when, exactly, so I’m just not equipped to manage stress, real or imagined. Knowing it’s imagined doesn’t help. Continue reading Happiness II: happiness under duress